Gori Cuddly Carnage review – Fast-paced, frenetic, and full of fur

Have you ever wanted to see a toy cat become sentient, hit more tricks on its hoverboard than Tony Hawk, while relentlessly slashing through enemies, leaving nothing but a pile of blood and fur in its wake? No? Well, me neither, but Gori: Cuddly Carnage does just that, and, guess what, I love it.

The premise of Gori: Cuddly Carnage is simple, sort of. Gori’s creator, Professor Y, has been hard at work making Ultra-Pets – toys that were always intended to bring joy to children around the world. Sadly, it seems that the powers that be deemed that Frank, a sweary hoverboard with knives, and Gori, a sentient cat, didn’t fit the bill. After being sent for recycling, Professor Y rescues Frank and Gori from the trash pile, but the other Ultra-Pets, including the likes of Ugly-corn, Right Hand Man, and Bear in a Box, malfunction and massacre every human in sight. Every. Last. One.

In the carnage, Professor Y has been kidnapped, which is where Frank and Gori come in. They’re on a mission to seek vengeance against the mutated toys, the adorable hack-and-slash game‘s prime antagonists. Chip’s coming too – a hilariously melancholy modular AI which makes its feelings about the shenanigans very well known throughout.

I’m thrown into the action from the moment the game loads, rapidly learning how to control Frank. He’s the key to the game’s traversal, and allows me leap onto glowing neon grinding rails to access new areas, escape incoming attacks, and charge my boost meter. Using this fully-charged meter will overcharge any attacks I throw out (there are so many!) for increased damage.

I find it particularly satisfying to whittle down my enemy’s health before using the execute command to brutally murder it. The added benefit of absolutely obliterating my foes is that it also restores some health to Gori. This means that I can plow through the game without a care in the world – something that’s very okay with me.

Occasionally, shuttered vents around the arena will close, or the grinding rails will become inaccessible, and I find myself in an enclosed space with a lot of angry toys. In these instances, where I’m repeatedly finding new and interesting ways to slay foes, I find the most pleasure. There’s something strangely cathartic about spinning Frank in six different directions, occasionally charging my attacks, slicing through shields or tearing off unicorn heads. No, I’m not using this as a form of therapy; why do you ask?

After progressing through a few areas, I learn that Frank has a secret, hidden talent. It’s not very secret – I just don’t read tutorials – but it turns out that powering up my ranged attack will hurl Frank at enemies as a makeshift grenade, causing blood, stuffing, and fur to fly. I can also use this ability to access switches I can’t reach, meaning any momentary lapses in the fast-paced genocidal spree I’ve gone on are soon resolved.

I can access kiosks throughout the levels to upgrade Gori and Frank. Earning enough currency from defeating enemies or battering stationary vehicles allows me to improve my combat abilities. These upgrades are reasonably limited, but their power is notable when returning to my bloodthirsty massacre. Anything from enhancing the power of my attacks or extending the length of my shield’s durability is a welcome addition to my rampage. Here, I also purchase a few extra lives. That aforementioned inability to pay attention my health bar only catches me out a few times, but I don’t want to be pulled from my mission if it’s not absolutely necessary. Cosmetic additions are also available at the kiosks, meaning I can make Gori and Frank look frankly ridiculous. Perfect.

One thing I didn’t expect in a game of Gori’s size was a photo mode, and this one is particularly impressive. There aren’t many moments where I think, ‘Hey, that’s a cool photo,’ such is the fast-paced nature of each area, but I do have a play around with it and find some extensive options. The only obstacle I find here is that it’s not immediately obvious where those photos are saved to, and there’s no option in-game to change the destination folder.

There’s nothing difficult about Gori: Cuddly Carnage, but I don’t think there should be. It’s a game to be enjoyed at high-speed, with zero brain-scratching, and maximum murderous gratification. It’s the gaming epitome of the ‘no thoughts, head empty’ expression that my own cat often looks at me with. I wonder if she’s longing to be as murderous as the little ginger feline on my screen.